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Facing my daemons

When you have rejection and abandonment issues, creating and needing emotional safety from and with others, becomes a challenge. It could very well be THE challenge of your life.

I’m naturally intuitive and hyper-vigilant to the world around me. I have dreams laden with messages from the subconscious world. I’ve dreamt of other people’s loved ones who I’ve never met or known. I dream of the dead and I dream in scenes that have yet come to pass.

I also have a natural instinct for knowing what lays beneath the surface of any situation. It’s where I live. It’s made me successful in my profession, successful in my hobbies and has been very beneficial when it’s time to make strategic decisions. Plus, being really fun playing psychic at social gatherings.

It’s been hell in my relationships. It erodes my feeling of emotional safety and compounds my feelings of abandonment and rejection. This happens in two ways. I am either overly sensitive to every move someone makes or I have a revelation about them that just frankly scares the person that I would know those hidden things.

Most recently, I dreamt of someone’s dead uncle. I’ve never met their uncle, I barely knew the person. But I was able to tell them his name and the message he had for them. When that happens, people tend to look at me differently forever. AND, I feel that.

I’m constantly working on my own childhood wounds. And frankly I don’t know if I’m making any progress. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just...failing. Fear of rejection and abandonment make me want to run. It makes me want to disappear and hide under a rock. It makes me want to fade into blackness. I’d rather hurt myself than feel the pain of being abandoned by someone I care about.

There are ups and downs to this too. Today I feel like I can see the light. Yesterday, I decided to lean into the dark. I had given up fighting being anything other than afraid, skeptical of everything and super critical of myself.

Last night, I just reminded myself to breathe.

Leaning into your fears and vulnerabilities is not for the faint of heart. But when everything else is stripped away, I realize that’s been the only constant in my life. There are lessons here I still have to learn. So I leaned in even more to that darkness.

I’m always going to be on a search for my happy.

I’m always going to be tapped in.

Emotional safety provides me with a way out. Creating and building that kind of trust with myself and then with others provides me a safe space where I can lean into my vulnerabilities and air them out. Instead of living in my head, emotional safety gives me a space to have friends who can hear, see and accept me no matter how ashamed I might be because I sometimes don’t feel worthy of their friendship or love.

I don’t think anyone should live in their dark emotions. It’s not healthy. I do believe peeling back those layers, sitting with it to understand it and combatting it with truth and honesty is a tremendous tool in overcoming it.

I can’t say if I’ve unlocked a level of growth with this. I don’t know.

I can say, I’ve found a pathway. I may go back and forth doubting myself, but I can see a path forming. I’m leaning in to that too.

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