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Finding Equitable Reciprocity in your Relationships

When you take the responsibility from someone, you hinder them. It does not help.

Being repeatedly vulnerable with someone who is not willing to take those risks with you will not create intimacy and connection in a relationship.

Reciprocity cannot be built by continuing to take the responsibility to initiate and plan in a relationship.

When you take the responsibility from someone, you hinder them. It does not help.


Being the only person willing to take responsibility when there is conflict or a misunderstanding does not create validation or even a safe space for you to show up authentically.

I will always show up and call out imbalance in the power dynamics of any relationship.

I look for fairness and equity and sometimes that’s a painful process for the other person involved.

Sometimes it can create shame and guilt, fear and anxiety...

We have to both recognize this as a moment of healing as well as, a moment when courage is required to lean in, engage and commit to growth.

This is where you need to pay attention. Someone who cannot lean in or who does not have the courage to make space for your needs, concerns, questions is someone who needs to heal their past wounds. It does not mean they don’t care or do not love you.

In a relationship, it’s both your responsibility to show up. Every time. If someone can’t do that, it’s important that you realize this and make a decision.

Can this person do the work needed to address those issues? Does this person have the courage to address within themselves and then with you what they need to heal that gap?


This is why I always say, I’m not looking for a man... I'm looking for a champion.

I inherently believe people DO want to show up in their relationships

I believe people want happiness and joy in their lives

I also believe that without creating a space for engagement, courage, healing, as well as, shame and guilt... that some people may never find the courage to access that full potential within themselves

Also, falling in love with a potential, projecting that potential or using that potential as a reason for devotion and commitment is unfair to your partner, child or friend. We must learn to love conditionally and with healthy boundaries the person that is standing before us.

As a collective, we also need to always explore ways that people do show up.

Someone may contribute gifts and in ways which differ from what you can or are used to...that does not mean you can’t create equitable reciprocity.

This part is where some of us fall off. Equitable reciprocity isn’t you get what you give in return. It’s creating and acknowledging value out of what you each bring to the table.

To have a successful relationship:

  • We must explore ways in which we are willing to participate in this process together.

  • We must explore our individual desires and ways in which we want to show up for each other

  • We must make a commitment to talk about the ebbs and flows that inevitably happen in communication

  • We must discuss what you do when someone can or cannot contribute in that moment

  • We must discover ways to balance the relational shifts that occur without resorting to criticizing, blaming, or my go to: running.

Talk to me. What does this bring up for you?

What are some things about this that you may be struggling with?




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