Updated: Jun 4, 2020
So a couple of things have been happening to me this year...to me, and for me ;-)
It all started December 31st, 2018...well, I should say it all started in June 2010 and I can even go back further, shit as an astrologer I can go back to the day I was born, but who has time for that today?!?!
Anyhow, in December, on the last day of the year of our Lord- 2018, I ended things with the man who I had believed was my twin flame for almost 10 years. Actually, he still might be my twin flame, and either way that's a story for another day...all you need to know is it ended horribly, so bad in fact, I had to do a walkabout in below 10 degree weather, in Denver, CO...
Nnnntywayz...I first met this new man, from here on out to be known as Misery, in 2018. He's a local chef in Washington, DC. His product is actually decent for the most part. His infused honey, ice cream and jolly ranchers are total red eye specials. I actually ignored him in 2018, cus I was too consumed and into Denver at the time. But then, as fate would have it, I meet up with Misery again in January 2019 and we'd been chatting ever since.
I've learned through trial and error to be very deliberate when meeting potential lovers, so in the very beginning I was intentional and asked "Are you seeing anyone?", "Are you with anyone?", "Are you in a relationship?" to which he answered a resounding no. And so... the flirtations began. That was actually the first level being unlocked in my healing process from Denver: I suddenly had this reassurance to speak my voice and not be afraid of the answers I received. It was awkward at first as my own voice pushed through my esophagus and my finger tips, it was like all my pores popping at once from the pressure being released. I wasn't used to this type of confidence, I was afraid and emboldened at the same time.
He wanted to talk on end about all the things he would do to me if we ever had time alone, and I engaged him. I showed up in all my glory for every flirtation and conversation we had. It was sensual, erotic, exciting and stimulating. Our conversations had begun to have an effect on me. It's a bit embarrassing now as I read back through our texts. I was hopeful and I felt myself healing and wanting to be intimate again, and I wanted to be intimate with Misery. I wanted Misery more than I wanted anyone except for Denver in the past 9 years. I promised myself on my walkabout to set better boundaries, and I did, and it felt good. This relationship with Misery had me oozing with self-control and mastery and it was delicious, erotic and enticing.
I was ready for Misery.
I respected him, I respected his work ethic and he fed me. He knew how to feed me, and I gobbled it up like a good girl. ;-). I felt myself flowing into his psychic presence. I dreamt of him, his mother and the information I collected in the dream state was accurate, or so he told me. He matched my every whimsy. I was a little shook and intimidated. Never had I met someone who was completely and utterly on the same page that I was.
Misery taught me a lot, as I went through the process of healing my self from the experience of #denvergateNYE2018. I was not only learning to seize my power, but I realized, like a child who realizes he or she is walking for the first time, that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed him. I even learned to appreciluv my mommy body more. He told me I was indomitable and I believed him. There was this element of masochistic control that he wielded and I was ready to submit.
I was also beginning to understand what I wanted most out of my relationships. In many ways, willingly or unwillingly on his part, he helped me to transform to a better version of myself and I was in awe and over the moon smitten with his power.
We talked about relationships, cheating, monogamy...I told him how I felt about it and how betrayal was what triggered my crae crae. He batted away my comments with a cool reserve. Saying things like:
"My mom taught me well...", "I can't deal with more than one woman at a time...",
"I don't understand why people cheat...", "In a world of all these choices, just find someone who was poly..."
I was eager to believe him, and I was wrong to believe him. Not because I shouldn't have trusted him, because I knew, something...was off.
Once I told him it was impossible for any partner of mine to lie to me, that eventually I would know the truth and that lying in fact, was my only deal breaker. He must have laughed at me then, yet...here we are.
He projected empathy and compassion, when he told me he had always been cheated on in his relationships. He confided in me about his trust issues in relationships and how sad it made him feel to talk about it. I found myself getting sad too. I felt we were bonding. I promised not to betray him, he did the same.
I was ready to know Misery on even deeper levels. I liked what I saw in our synastry and composite charts, and it made me excited at the growth and transformation that lurked in a friendship, and possibly even, a relationship with him. He also turned me on like none other, except for well...Denver.
But something wasn't right. I felt it.
And I ignored it.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when we had a chance to meet up...he was rushed, could barely look me in the eye and then was gone: our meeting was less than 5 minutes. For weeks, my inner voice had been telling me "Google his ass!". For weeks, I ignored it. I made a vow in 2017 to stop playing detective and let things unfold naturally. I'm naturally curious, I mean it says it right there in the title...
The universe will always let me know what I need to know, time and time again, this has proven itself true and, this was no different.
After our meet up, I went home, frustrated and over it. Literally.
That was the release I needed. The universe eased itself and revealed the truth for me to finally see.
Two nights later, I had the same dream I had been having of him, where I meet his mother and she tells me her name... but this time, I was able to step out of the body that I had been using to meet her in past dreams and I saw my reflection.
It was not me. It was someone else. So I woke up and googled his ass.
Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. He's married, almost 9 years with 5 children. They've been together for almost 15 years.
The universe does not ever let me down.
Alas, this was the last level being unlocked. This experience revealed to me just how keen my sense of self and my psychic sense of self is. It also revealed to me that I am on the right path by setting my boundaries and sticking to them.
There was a point in our conversations where he said he had sworn off love, and that was why he focused on work and only work. Well here's how I feel about that:
Shutting down your love receptors, prevents you from even loving yourself. It's a two way street, bidirectional... like communication. You can't love anyone if you can't love yourself, and when you seek to shut down loving others, the only thing you shut down IS your heart and loving yourself.
I've been through some shitty relationships. I've been cheated on, emotionally abused and even physically beat up.
I'm not afraid to love. I will not ever be afraid to love.
Maybe Misery wanted me to be afraid like I now realize he is. Maybe he wanted me to suffer like I now know he must be. He created a whole persona to match mine. I was into crystals, he was too. I was into astrology, and so was he. I loved to talk shop and that was a plus for him. I liked control, restraint and to be edged and guess what? He did too. The man that I thought was so large, now just seems so small. Not because I view myself as being better or higher than him, because I can now see his pain. In my intensity, I missed it at first and even though I saw glimpses, I understand it much more now, than I did before.
We get into relationships with people, often because we are conditioned to believe this is our path. We are conditioned to go to school, get a degree, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have 2.2 children and 1.2 dogs with a white picket fence. I didn't do anything the way I was conditioned to, I come from a long line of wild and free women. That empowers me.
I make my own life and I walk my own path.
I don't want a relationship to make me happy and I don't want to be responsible to make anyone happy, not even my children. I don't want to need anyone to make me whole or to make me a union or to make me happy. I only need health, a clear mind and breath to make my own self happy.
I'm a practitioner of intimacy without responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for your emotions, your reactions, your feelings, your happiness. YOU are responsible for that.
Contrary to how we treat men and women who struggle in their relationships, I'm not going to be the one to condemn or shame anyone. People struggle and I can say that Misery was very hesitant to get physical with me. What goes on between partners, should stay between those two partners, it's none of your business even if you were invited to the party. You don't have to go.
I am the progeny of an extra marital affair between my grandmother and grandfather. This is also about breaking generational curses for me as it is forgiveness, understanding and empathy.
People need outlets for what they are feeling in relationships. The only way to combat feelings of resentment, rejection, sadness, abandonment and loss of trust, is to be vulnerable and courageous when facing yourself. Instead of shaming people, we need to help them embrace and integrate their contradictions. This can only be done from a place of authentic self-love.